Last week I got a scary call from my mother. It wasn’t the usual “We’re loving our sun-filled, condo-living life here in Florida.” Nor was it a barrage of prodding questions regarding what exactly I do all day.
“Something bad happened,” she started in as soon as I answered the phone.
“What?”
“Your father was mugged and beaten.”
“Whaaat?”
“But that was four weeks ago. He’s okay now.”
They waited to tell me, my mom said, because they didn’t want to get me upset. This is nothing new—they’d protect me from a thunderstorm if they could.
When my friends and I were went through our clubbing phase and partied until we couldn’t so much as navigate a subway, my dad drove in from Queens at 4 a.m. while all the other parents slept. In college, he drove me through a snowstorm to Massachusetts when my car broke down so I wouldn’t miss a class.
Okay, he’s more than a chauffeur, but you get my point.
The night of the mugging, he dropped my mom off at the ballet. He wasn’t crazy about seeing it himself, so he went a few blocks away and waited for her. While waiting, my dad was approached by two men asking for money. He gave them his change and then they pulled him down to the ground demanding more. He was kicked in the face before two pedestrians chased the robbers away.
This accident was a wake-up call for me. I don’t know why it’s so easy to take the people in our lives for granted, but so many of us do—whether with our parents, partners, or best friends. We become numb to the people around us, and only when they’re gone or hurt do we realize how lucky we were to have them.
Two weeks after our phone call, I flew to Florida for a long-scheduled visit. Usually when I go down to my parents’ place, I go through the motions: daily trips to Costco, early-bird lunches and dinners, pool time after a pastrami feast, I might even get impatient with my folks at times. You know, it’s slow there!
Not this time.
I spent this trip listening, caring, and paying attention to my parents. I valued every moment I had with them. The wake-up call had been received, loud and clear. If you haven’t gotten one in a while, feel free to use mine as your own.
Here’s a fun video I produced with my dad last year called, “Visiting the Folks in Flawrida”.
I will stop passing notes to Rachel during class.
I will stop passing notes to Rachel during class.
My teacher Ms. Rubin made me write it over and over again, but I continuously missed the lesson. The exercise seemed to me a lame punishment and waste of chalk.
Thirty years later, I finally get it.
I randomly opened up a quote book the other day and read: “You should always be aware that your head creates your world.” When we say things over and over in our minds, it’s only a matter of time until we believe and act on it.
It’s amazing how much junk we tell ourselves all day. Do you ever catch your absurd and not-so-nice thoughts? I constantly hear things like there are no good, available men out there in the city. Or there are no jobs out there. If you say it, you”ll believe it. And presto: That’s exactly what you’ll see.
My mean inner thoughts usually relate to my thighs, but I’m working on that!
I now use affirmations—positive, repetitive statements—on a daily basis to counteract any negativity lingering in my legs. Er, I mean head.
Louise Hay, one of the founders of that fun-loving New Age movement, really put the power affirmations on the map. I usually, write mine down over and over again in my notebook or iPhone.
“Your thoughts and beliefs of the past have created this moment,” Hay says, “and all the moments up to this moment. What you are now choosing to believe and think and say will create the next moment and the next day and the next month and the next year.”
Here are two affirmation CDs that rock:
I Can Do It : How to Use Affirmations to Change Your Life with CD by Louise Hay
Soul of Healing Affirmations: A-Z Guru by Deepak Chopra
Say it till you believe it. Write it down till you can see it.
Thank you, Ms. Rubin. Your lesson finally kicked in! I’m still passing notes—but Rachel isn’t the only one getting them.
My best friend from high school got engaged a few weeks ago. This was no easy feat.
Last year she was still in an on-and-off again relationship lasting since college. She felt stuck and confused. I remember sitting down with her over espressos on the Lower East Side and bluntly telling her to close this chapter of her life so something new can open. It wasn’t the first time I’d lectured her like this.
But this time, she listened.
My friend finally ended her rocky relationship and two months later met her future partner at a friend’s wedding. Without her willing to end her painful past, I’m convinced she never would have met this new guy.
I don’t want to take credit for this engagement. Okay, yeah, I do. A special thank-you from the rabbi at the ceremony (and a guaranteed heaven admittance) would suffice.
But really, this is the case with most things in life. One door closes, another opens. Someone dies, a baby is born (not to put any pressure on the couple; though Ilana really is a sweet name).
I always hear people say that if they close a certain door, they won’t find anything better. But the world is filled with endless possibilities waiting to be let in.
What are some doors you need to close in your life in order to let new possibilities in? Whether with work, love or other areas of your life, what are you holding on to; and what might be keeping your celebrations away?
In first grade, I thought our writing lessons were a race. I remember rushing to copy down my paragraph onto paper from the blackboard so as to be faster than my friend seated at the next desk.
The result? Bad handwriting to this very day. Thank goodness for the typed word.
Later in life I found myself still hurrying to get to the next moment. It was hard for me to be in the here-and-now. I always wanted to think ahead. But as they say, all we have is here-and-now. Ever notice that the only time we get stressed out is while thinking about the past or future?
We’re at our happiest while on vacation, getting a massage, or in the middle of a thrilling sport. Reason being, these activities get us to appreciate our now.
My favorite yogi Alan Finger says 99 percent of our life is imagination. Only this very second is for real. When we’re our best selves in the NOW, the future amazingly falls in perfect place.
Sure, there’s always time for planning for tomorrow. But for now, put the pen down take a deep breath. How cool is this moment?
I recently discovered that Wayne Dyer, that sweet, talking head of bald-headed inspiration, isn’t long for this world.
He’s been diagnosed with leukemia; news which rides on the heels of the fact that Dyer’s wife left him not too long ago. Reporter Dan Harris asked Dyer the question on all our minds: How can Dyer preach that positivity is the answer, when the King of Positive Thinking has a life that’s taken such a nasty turn?
Dyer’s response was twofold. First, he explained that he never claimed bad things don’t happy to positive people, or that bodies don’t wear out. And next, he said life is all about how you react to these kinds of things happening in your life.
The storms of our lives are what allow us to see the beauty in it, Dyer said. “Learn how to dance in the rain and be in a state of joy and fulfillment. Everything that shows up in your life you absolutely have to have in order to move to the next step.”
Knowing Dyer is battling a terminal illness reminded me that we’re all here for short stint. What are we going to in this blip of time to make it all worth while?
I ponder this as I shove my way through herds of subway passengers running to and from their jobs. They don’t have smiles on their faces, or look the least bit thrilled. Admittedly, I don’t look too jolly myself. My head is in my iPhone, anyway.
I get to the stairwell in the subway station, look up, and feel relieved to walk toward the light outside. I know I’m not dead—just getting out from underground—but let me have my “heading toward the light” moment.
Just when I’ve made it to the top of the stairs, some lady and her 50-pound Coach bag, nearly knock me down. I step back to get my balance, take a deep breath, and keep on going.
Check out Wayne’s online radio hour here.
I was not a happy camper.
I’d trekked through the snow to Equinox last week for a spin class, only to discover a huge line. I waited impatiently to sign the “wait” list, all the while aware of the Jewish American Princess from Queens rising up in my belly. Next thing I knew, I was giving attitude to the poor girl at the front desk.
I looked down mid-tude and noticed I had on galoshes. I’d forgotten my sneakers all together.
Spin class no longer meant to be, I took two back-to-back yoga classes. They were divine. And so it was: My body and mind needed those yoga classes much more than they needed spinning.
I apologized to the girl at the front desk on my way out, and silently vowed to never again let that inner Queens girl cut in line.
The moral? We get exactly what we need in life. (Yes, The Rolling Stones had it right all along.) So stop fighting every little thing you perceive as “going wrong”, and start going with the flow. If you take every turn and step-down presented, I promise you’ll get to exactly where you need to be.
Wherever You Go, There You Are
I told myself a few years ago that I was done with New York City. I was ready for a change—a new life, preferably in any urban area with a guy-to-girl ratio working in my favor.
Before buying my tickets to Alaska, a very smart lady stepped in and told me, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
It really didn’t matter where I was or would go, I realized: I’d be bringing all my baggage with me.
A friend recently picked up and moved to Spain. Sounds amazing, right? Turns out, she’s not all that thrilled. In fact, she’s antsy. She misses her friends. She misses—gulp—New York City. She is the same person with the same challenges; she’s just experiencing it all in exotic Spain.
I admit that I still fantasize about taking off and escaping the urban jungle. My latest dream destinations include an adobe hut in Santa Fe, a cottage in Vermont, and a farm co-op upstate. Who knows? In a few months I could change my blog title to Commune Dharma.
While any of these spots might make for a great vacation (admit it! We all need a recharge every now and then), if I did decide to move I wouldn’t be escaping a thing. I need to find my urban zen right here where I am.
Go ahead and test my theory. Go away for at least 10 days. See if you miss your home.
The truth is, all you have to do is be the best you you can. Everything you need will automatically be attracted your way; no tickets or farm animals needed.
Step one: Love yourself.
Step two: Refer to step one.
I used to hate it when I heard people expound that old adage, You can’t love someone until you learn to love yourself. What exactly does that mean? How do you consciously love yourself? Sure, I can sit in front of the mirror and blow kisses. I can put my arms around myself and squeeze.
I’ve tried it. I don’t think it works.
So how about this little twist on that old adage? No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. I started thinking about the men I’ve dated; many of whom left much to be desired on the whole “love-giving” front. So maybe I do need figure out how to love myself more.
The research has begun. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
• Watch Your Thoughts Ever notice your crazy thoughts? Try keeping a list throughout the day of every negative thought you have about yourself. My list was a mile long when I started this daily exercise; including the idea African-American men only ever talk to me because of my bum. Actually, that one may be true. But really, monitor your thoughts. They run a direct line from your brain to behavior .
• Make a List Jot down the qualities you like about yourself each morning. Nothing is too tiny! Make note of your smile, your laugh, that voracious need you have to read my blog… Email this list each day to a friend and have him or her send your theirs.
• Make “Me” Time Treat yourself to at least one hour a day of pampering. I usually spend my hour blasting chick rock while journaling and practicing a little bedroom karaoke. Hey—no one said you can’t multi-pamper.
I’ll tell you something: These techniques are working. I’ve definitely noticed an increased ability on my part to attract some good-loving people into my life.
Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I say, “Give yourself the love you want to see.” You’ve got nothing to lose, except those annoying kissy faces in front of the mirror.
It’s Social Media Week in New York City, which means there are lots of events centered around Twitter and Facebook’s world takeover.
My Web-obsession began during college, when I searched restlessly on a ginormous PC for romance in the AOL Jewish single chat rooms. I was tired of the guys on campus. Some things never change.
I found my first job out of college by randomly Instant-Messaging a stranger at iVIllage and asking for an interview. What can I say? I had some online chutzpa.
These days I do my best to take control over my social Web addiction. Sometimes I find myself peeking over at my iPhone during yoga class. It’s not good. Checking my inbox can feel like a drug fix.
It’s tough to remember remember to turn off the digital noise; but it’s increasingly important in order to reconnect to our Selves and be still. Tim Ferris, author of The Four-Hour Work Week, only checks his email twice a day. He spends the rest of his time dancing the tango or surfing in Costa Rica. I like his style. For my part, I’ve begun walking away from the computer more during the day and actually connecting with friends in the flesh. It’s quite a concept; to pay attention to people, nature, art, and things that don’t have chips in them.
I guess that’s just what I’ll do at Social Media Week—but you’ll still be able to follow my Twitter updates from the events @ilanadonna and check blog updates at tk. Baby steps!
My second-grade teacher always called me “Smiley” because of my constant ear-to-ear grin. The irony is that throughout my life I’ve actually battled a nagging sense of unhappiness—though early on I’d mastered the art of my face never showing it.
Our happiness has to come from inside. No thing or person can make you feel good. I used to run around town thinking, If I take this class I’ll be more successful; or If I can hold on to this man then I’ll be happy; or If I sign up for this program my life will be more interesting.
Not so.
Our forefathers had it all wrong when they wrote, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Pursuing happiness is like chasing the wind (or some unavailable guy). Not gonna happen. If you look for pleasure outside, that high lasts only a short time before you need to chase the next thing.
Here’s how your priorities should be reshuffled:
1. Get yourself happy.
2. Go out into your life and do what you need to do.
Of course, this is a whole lot easier to say than do. How can a person just “be happy”? Here are a few tricks that have helped me:
Get Still Get quiet and in touch with your true self through yoga and meditation. I know, I know; meditation is painful for most people. But after sitting in silence for at least 18 minutes a day, you’ll realize you’re happy for no reason at all. That’s when things come your way, you don’t have to chase opportunities, and you get clear on the right choices to make. It’s a magical therapy! Here are some of my favorite meditation classes in New York.
Lie to Yourself It’s proven that positive thoughts lead to positive results in your life. So fake it until you feel it. Recite thoughts every morning out loud (shower acoustics are the best), and eventually you will start believing them. It takes 21-30 days to create a new habit, so stick with your affirmations through the month. Louse Hay’s I Can Do It CD is a perfect way to begin.
Lose Control Stop trying to fight against everything in your path. If bad news comes your way, let it in without stressing it. New Age sages love to say “What we resists, persists.” Realize you can’t control most things in your life and that you have something to learn from everything coming your way. We learn most from the bad and uncomfortable things in life. So go with the flow of life—it’s a much better ride that way.
