TAG | urban zen
The other day I was reading Metro and came across an interview with a “meditation consultant.”
Is this really a new line of work in 2010? What do meditation consultants do? Sit with you and breathe away stress? Where do I apply?
Then I read on. The interviewee, Andy Puddicombe, is a former monk who studied in monastaries all over India, Thailand, Nepal, Australia, and Russia for ten years. Even if I shaved my head to look like him, I wouldn’t attract his clientele—I’d only kill my love life.
Last year, Andy started a non-denominational initiative called Headspace in London, which introduces frenetic professionals to the benefits of meditation. He hosts events in cool spaces, conducts one-on-one private sessions, and even meditates with his clients online and via mobile phone. Since Andy and his partner launched Headspace, the London press has been all over the story. He’s been featured in Vogue, Time Out and other popular publications. He also just signed a book deal and has a TV show in development.
Hmm… maybe I could pull off a sexy bald ’do after all?
I had to meet Andy and talk more about his modern day meditation project.
Andy and I scheduled a call over Skype. Even through the small video screen, he casted a spell—he was jovial, warm, and extra smiley. The bald look really works for him. He’s not technically a monk anymore, and the position of “lady friend” is already filled.
We talked about my experience with meditation: which usually translates into feeling like I smoked something illegal. I explained how after I meditate, I feel present and grounded, glad to have my anxiety and fears vanish for at least a good day or so, before my next sitting.
Andy explains to me that scientific research suggests that after fifteen minutes of stillness, blood flow increases in the area of your brain associated with positive emotions.
The challenge for me has always been getting my butt to meditation classes at least 2–3 times a week. However, Andy promises that once you take his workshop, you will have the tools to practice on your own. He breaks down his lessons into three parts:
1. Approach: Andy offers a philosophical explanation on the importance of having the right attitude in life. For example, meditation is no different to life. To want things to be different from how they are now is to resist reality. When we resist reality we struggle with life. It’s a move away from acceptance. This applies to meditation because if you sit there trying to actually stop your thoughts and emotions, you move away from acceptance and, ultimately, away from peace of mind.
It’s a common mistake to make though, and explains why so many people get frustrated or anxious when learning meditation. So meditation is less about ‘changing’ the mind and more about ‘understanding’ the mind. When meditation is approached in this way, the potential for benefit is huge!
2. The Act of Meditation: Andy recommends sitting still for 10–15 minutes in the morning, so that meditating doesn’t become just another stressful item on your day’s to-do list.
3. Integration: You can integrate the practice into your daily life if you consider that meditation is about compassion and awareness. On the subway, use your commute as an opportunity to be mindful and present. Andy say’s that you have a choice: You can either sit there wishing you were somewhere else, or you can use a meditation technique to cultivate awareness and empathy for your fellow commuters. (Well, maybe not the flashers and disheveled, smelly teenage hipsters—best not to be too aware of some things.)
We both agreed that meditation would become the new yoga and sweep through the West. I asked him to teach me his secrets, so that I could become his disciple and start my own meditation business one day. He explained that although he has thought about going that route, right now he doesn’t feel comfortable claiming guru status and training other teachers.
Rats. I guess I’ll have to train with the Bhuddas directly. I wonder if any of them can be interviewed by Skype? Let me do some research and get back to you on that. Until then, catch ya on the subway.
Read more about Andy in this Time Out article here.
And check out the Headspace site here.
I don’t understand how I run into the most random people who lead me to even more randomness.
I took my single friend to a temple dinner near my apartment. Of course, she motioned me to sit near a cute single guy to my right. I insisted she take the seat instead (her being the single one), but she refused.
So, ever compliant, I started chatting the guy up. I asked him where he was from, and what he does. Next thing I knew, he and I were talking about orgasms. And before I could connect the dots of conversation leading us to this topic, he told me his sister is part of a “slow sex” community that teaches women various “O-finding” techniques.
I was fairly convinced my temple talk would score me a warm seat in Hell. Especially for carrying on the conversation while the young rabbi hopped around the room with a mic in hand, getting people to sing along to the prayers.
Temple Guy mentioned that the orgasm group is called OneTaste. I made a mental note, and e-mailed the group’s instructor Rachel Chewitz the following day.
Turns out, Cherwitz lives in San Francisco but would be heading to New York the next week. It was meant to be! We planned a meeting.
I brought my friend, and we both booked 30 minute sessions with her. My friend went first, and by the time I interrupted their talk, I saw a credit card transaction going down. “Wow, she must be good,” I thought! I secretly wondered if my friend already had an orgasm of some kind.
Then it was my turn. I explained what had happened at temple and how I was curious about slow sex. I’m all about self-improvement, and who’s to say I can’t improve on the intimacy front?
Okay, what I really said was, “Break it down sister: Exactly how do women have orgasms from this method? I want details.”
Here’s how she explained it:
Slow Idea
There’s an entire “slow movement” that includes slow food, slow sex, slow parenting, slow traveling, etc. But our culture is all about speed — we need to do it faster and shorter. We have a finish-line mentality that keeps us from the journey. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our sex lives. Slow sex is the opposite of sex being harder, stronger, and faster. It shows you how to get deeper, more connected, and more intimate.
Founder
Nicole Daedon had a meditation practice, but realized she was living without discovering her sexuality. So she checked into a zen center, where she was told she couldn’t leave anything behind. She knew sexuality had to be part of her practice. She spent the next 15 years researching what would become the OneTaste method: adding mindfulness to sex and increasing a couples’conscious connection to sexuality in a slow, sustainable way.
What We All Want
OneTaste teaches people how to have a healthy and whole sex life. Sex is used as a doorway into the deeper things people want. “We all want to love and be loved,” Cherwitz told me; “see and be seen, we want to know our purpose, and we want to feel connected. When you open the door to sexuality, you begin to learn things about yourself you didn’t know were there.”
Practicing Mindfulness in Bed
OneTaste introduces the philosophy of mindfulness in sexuality. Some people already have a mindful practice, like meditation, or do chi-gong. What is mindfulness? It’s being with what is. It’s not putting an interpretation on it; it’s allowing yourself to be present, and allowing things to unfold moment by moment.
Mindful Touch
Most people think a lot and ignore their feelings, or feel a lot and ignore their thinking. Orgasmic meditation brings these two parts of the brain into balance, so you can feel your body and also listen to what your mind is telling you. So often we’re trying to do something just to do something to our partner: Like, have an orgasm, and have it feel good! This practice gives you exercises to slow you down enough so you can listen to the sensations of the body, or the wisdom of the body.
Classes
There are three ways to get involved: Sign up for private coaching, take group classes, or become a slow sex trainer. (How fun would it be to tell people what you do at parties?!) The classes are a combination of lecture, interactive discussion, and experiential exercises. By the second class, you will be practicing the act of orgasmic meditation!
The Orgasmic Mediation Practice
Picture this: The lady removes her clothing below her waist and sits with her legs butterflied open. The man is to her right side, fully clothed. He puts on gloves and takes his left leg over her belly and right leg under her legs. He takes a small amount of lubrication and strokes from her introitus through her labia and lands his finger on the upper left quadrant of her clitoris. (O.K., I am not sure exactly where that is on my body, but I’ll Google it.) He then strokes up and down at various speeds and pressures in a conscious way for 15 minutes. The couple then draws their attention to the point of contact with the most sensation. When emotions come up, they let them go and focus again on their sensations.
Apparently, even the man gets into an orgasmic state in the practice! Cherwitz practices the slow sex method about 5 times a day, either with men or women in her community. Amazing! Guess she’s not the shy type! No wonder her skin looks incredible and her face looks relaxed.
I love how my temple outing got me learning about orgasms. I’m not sure how God feels about this discovery, but we’re leaving him out of the practice. Either way, I think I might have to do a few more interviews before I take any sort of group lesson. But if you’re brave and ready (ahem, apparently like my friend!), maybe slow sex is for you? If not, I know a great singles temple dinner you can try.
I was shopping for new meditation spots and recently saw a flyer advertising a new Buddhist temple with daily sessions. The place piqued my interest, so the other day I paid a visit to the temple, which turned out to be inside a brownstone on the Upper West Side.
Yes, even the Buddhists recognize good real estate.
The temple was mostly empty when I arrived, except for a man working there who told me the monk was running late.
“No worries,” I said. “Even monks get stuck in traffic.” I chuckled awkwardly then made my way over to the big gold Buddha, and took a squat.
The monk—surprisingly white—arrived 15 minutes later harried and stressed. He had a shaved head, looked to be about my age, and wasn’t bad on the eyes. I took a moment to wrack my brain: Had we dated before?
The monk introduced himself as Myong Haeng Sunim or Dave and told me I was there on the wrong night—the beginners, he explained, met on Tuesdays. I assured him I am no novice.
“Well then,” he said, “you should have no problem sitting in silence on your own.”
“Um, well, no,” I back-stepped, “I’m not sure about that.”
Dave changed into his robe and kneeled, bowing to Buddha and reciting Korean prayers in a very deep, monotone voice.
This isn’t so different than synagogue, I thought to myself, just with a few golden statues added.
Dave tried explaining the prayers, but was in a rush to get elsewhere. He handed me his card and invited me to get in touch. So I e-mailed him, which seemed a strange way to correspond with a monk, and we made plans to meet the following week and talk more.
Here’s what he told me when we met, sitting Indian-style, cushion to cushion:
How He Became a Monk
Dave went to Cornell and found himself surrounded by people chasing desires, money, and goals without any sense of happiness. His peers seemed distracted with TV, drugs, and conversation. Then Dave’s father got cancer. Suddenly, primetime sitcoms and frat parties didn’t seem so important. Dave found himself wondering, What’s the whole point?
He started hanging out with local Buddhist groups, went on a few retreats, and before long was in Korea teaching English. He didn’t necessarily want to be a monk, but Dave needed money to stay in the country. So, he kept learning and teaching at the temples until he finally graduated and realized his purpose.
Why Most People are Unhappy
Suffering comes from attachment to the idea that your thoughts are true, like when I tell myself that the only reason the guy on the train offered me his seat is because he thinks I’m pregnant. Everyone in this world is attached to his or her thinking, and puts everything into categories of right and wrong, seeing all the world through this filter. If you are attached to anything, you will suffer because inevitably it will change. We need to wake up moment to moment, perceive this world clearly, and do our best to help others.
Thoughts and Judgement
Buddhism allows you to see things as they are. People confuse their thinking with the truth. Your thoughts are just coming and going. If you see them as true, you suffer. Our thoughts categorize people into right and wrong buckets. The moment we separate and categorize, we see ourselves as better. Another moment, we see ourselves as inferior.
Do We Stop Thinking?
Thinking is not bad in itself, but if you attach to your thinking and ideas and believe that they are true, then you will cause suffering for yourself and others. Most thinking is based on opposite concepts, which are formed by our biased perceptions of the world. It’s important to think when necessary, but to turn off the faucet when you are done. If your mind is clear, you can respond to any situation naturally.
Chanting and Meditation
Bowing, chanting, and sitting all help our body, breath and mind become one. If your body is doing one thing and your mind something else, then you can’t be clear, and you’ll inevitably suffer. When you do something, just do it. Bowing and chanting are the fastest ways Dave found to bring his body and mind together.
Stay Present
We’re all either planning for the future or regretting the past, which makes it hard for us to connect to any situation now. Dave uses meditation to turn inward. Our mind is like a mirror, he says: When it’s clear, it reflects in front of you and allows you to connect with people.
I’m not sure the temple on the Upper West Side is my scene, but I liked Dave. He was peaceful, kind, and I loved the way he processed the world. I would even set him up with one of my single girlfriends if I could. But even American monks have to remain celibate. Of course, I had to ask!
If you feel like learning more and meeting Monk Dave or Myong Haeng Sunim yourself, check out the temple’s school at www.kwanumzen.org.
It’s kind of cool having a life coach and dating expert as a close friend.
My friend Andrea Syrtash and I met at a digital media party a few years ago. When she told me that she worked as a dating coach, my first instinct was to smuggle her away for several hours to pick her brain.
Since that day, Andrea has helped me during my many heightened relationship moments in my life. She’s always that calm voice helping me snap out of my fears. I’ve always said that one day she’ll be the Rachael Ray of dating. She’s already well on her way; Rodale just published her book, “He’s Just Not Your Type and That’s a Good Thing.”
Andrea—who is gorgeous and smart, spent most of her adult life dating the typical man you’d bring home to your Jewish mother. Somehow though, Andrea became coined “the runaway bride” because she couldn’t bring herself to commit to these “perfect” men. One day, Andrea’s future husband—a drummer and teacher—strolled into her life. He wasn’t someone Andrea ever thought she’d end up with. But she followed her heart and went for it. They fell in love, got married, and she is thrilled with her colorful life and relationship.
Coincidentally, I too started dating differently about a year or so ago. I stopped idealizing and wanting the guys every girl wanted. I became more conscious, open, and looked for diamonds in the ruff. I mean, we all know I’m not perfect. So why should my dates be?
Andrea’s whole book is about dating the NON type. Not settling for less, but settling for what’s important: the person over looks; how he treats you versus what he does for a living; how it feels to be together versus what you think your kids might look like one day. You know, the obvious stuff that sometimes escapes you when you’re sitting across from each other on a date.
Here are some more good bits from Andrea’s book:
Don’t ‘Should’ Yourself to Death
Andrea felt she should be with someone more polished and sophisticated. But that was her ego talking, and her way of pleasing everyone except herself. Replace the word “should” with “want”. You want to connect with someone. ”Should keeps you from taking risks, connecting with your values, and following your heart,” she writes.
Get Connected to Yourself
Before you find your other half, you have to get clear on your passions and values. Andrea doesn’t believe you find your match when you’re not looking; but rather when you’re looking in the right places. Those places are in line with your deep interests. In researching ancient sources like Kabbalah and Aristotle about love, she mentions that when we’re not aligned with our calling and most authentic self, then matchmaking gets derailed. She encourages women to get aligned with their passions and values before hoping to attract a suitable partner.
Change Your Attitude
In her book, Andrea mentions a friend of hers who was out with a guy on a date. Halfway through, the man excused himself to the bathroom and actually climbed out the window to escape! Andrea’s friend had two choices: Laugh it off, or swear off dating. Your attitude is everything. When I started feeling more positive and realizing there’s a gift in every conversation I have (even If I’m with a George Kastanza type), my romantic life started changing.
Andrea’s book is a great read for those who feel stuck in a dating rut. Don’t close the door on a suitable mate just because he doesn’t match the story you’ve been rehearsing in your head. Change the way you date, and the dates around you will change.
