I don’t understand how I run into the most random people who lead me to even more randomness.
I took my single friend to a temple dinner near my apartment. Of course, she motioned me to sit near a cute single guy to my right. I insisted she take the seat instead (her being the single one), but she refused.
So, ever compliant, I started chatting the guy up. I asked him where he was from, and what he does. Next thing I knew, he and I were talking about orgasms. And before I could connect the dots of conversation leading us to this topic, he told me his sister is part of a “slow sex” community that teaches women various “O-finding” techniques.
I was fairly convinced my temple talk would score me a warm seat in Hell. Especially for carrying on the conversation while the young rabbi hopped around the room with a mic in hand, getting people to sing along to the prayers.
Temple Guy mentioned that the orgasm group is called OneTaste. I made a mental note, and e-mailed the group’s instructor Rachel Chewitz the following day.
Turns out, Cherwitz lives in San Francisco but would be heading to New York the next week. It was meant to be! We planned a meeting.
I brought my friend, and we both booked 30 minute sessions with her. My friend went first, and by the time I interrupted their talk, I saw a credit card transaction going down. “Wow, she must be good,” I thought! I secretly wondered if my friend already had an orgasm of some kind.
Then it was my turn. I explained what had happened at temple and how I was curious about slow sex. I’m all about self-improvement, and who’s to say I can’t improve on the intimacy front?
Okay, what I really said was, “Break it down sister: Exactly how do women have orgasms from this method? I want details.”
Here’s how she explained it:
Slow Idea
There’s an entire “slow movement” that includes slow food, slow sex, slow parenting, slow traveling, etc. But our culture is all about speed — we need to do it faster and shorter. We have a finish-line mentality that keeps us from the journey. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our sex lives. Slow sex is the opposite of sex being harder, stronger, and faster. It shows you how to get deeper, more connected, and more intimate.
Founder
Nicole Daedon had a meditation practice, but realized she was living without discovering her sexuality. So she checked into a zen center, where she was told she couldn’t leave anything behind. She knew sexuality had to be part of her practice. She spent the next 15 years researching what would become the OneTaste method: adding mindfulness to sex and increasing a couples’conscious connection to sexuality in a slow, sustainable way.
What We All Want
OneTaste teaches people how to have a healthy and whole sex life. Sex is used as a doorway into the deeper things people want. “We all want to love and be loved,” Cherwitz told me; “see and be seen, we want to know our purpose, and we want to feel connected. When you open the door to sexuality, you begin to learn things about yourself you didn’t know were there.”
Practicing Mindfulness in Bed
OneTaste introduces the philosophy of mindfulness in sexuality. Some people already have a mindful practice, like meditation, or do chi-gong. What is mindfulness? It’s being with what is. It’s not putting an interpretation on it; it’s allowing yourself to be present, and allowing things to unfold moment by moment.
Mindful Touch
Most people think a lot and ignore their feelings, or feel a lot and ignore their thinking. Orgasmic meditation brings these two parts of the brain into balance, so you can feel your body and also listen to what your mind is telling you. So often we’re trying to do something just to do something to our partner: Like, have an orgasm, and have it feel good! This practice gives you exercises to slow you down enough so you can listen to the sensations of the body, or the wisdom of the body.
Classes
There are three ways to get involved: Sign up for private coaching, take group classes, or become a slow sex trainer. (How fun would it be to tell people what you do at parties?!) The classes are a combination of lecture, interactive discussion, and experiential exercises. By the second class, you will be practicing the act of orgasmic meditation!
The Orgasmic Mediation Practice
Picture this: The lady removes her clothing below her waist and sits with her legs butterflied open. The man is to her right side, fully clothed. He puts on gloves and takes his left leg over her belly and right leg under her legs. He takes a small amount of lubrication and strokes from her introitus through her labia and lands his finger on the upper left quadrant of her clitoris. (O.K., I am not sure exactly where that is on my body, but I’ll Google it.) He then strokes up and down at various speeds and pressures in a conscious way for 15 minutes. The couple then draws their attention to the point of contact with the most sensation. When emotions come up, they let them go and focus again on their sensations.
Apparently, even the man gets into an orgasmic state in the practice! Cherwitz practices the slow sex method about 5 times a day, either with men or women in her community. Amazing! Guess she’s not the shy type! No wonder her skin looks incredible and her face looks relaxed.
I love how my temple outing got me learning about orgasms. I’m not sure how God feels about this discovery, but we’re leaving him out of the practice. Either way, I think I might have to do a few more interviews before I take any sort of group lesson. But if you’re brave and ready (ahem, apparently like my friend!), maybe slow sex is for you? If not, I know a great singles temple dinner you can try.
Yesterday, I found myself hanging out with Dave The Monk. I was taping him for a segment on meditation for HealthyStyleNY. Of course, for the life of me I could not get the words, “I’m here with Myong Haeng SN at the Chogyesa temple” out of my mouth for the clip. I kept laughing and stuttering through the Korean words, while awkwardly touching Dave inappropriately on camera. I’m assuming that’s a no-no for monks.
Dave mentioned another American monk who was in town at the temple for a special dharma talk. His name was Hyon Gak Sunim…or Paul. I met him, and he was this boisterous, sarcastic former-Jersey-boy-turned-monk now living in Munich. All the good ones turn monk, huh?
I knew I had to hear his talk.
He sat down in front of 30 or 40 squatting people, mostly Korean and Buddhist. I hung out in the back in my red dress, propped up on a chair, ready for anything.
One of the first things he said, in a very strong tone (he is from Jersey, of course!), was, “Soon, you will die!”
Wow. Aren’t Buddhists a cheery bunch, I thought. The Jew in me would rather hear him say, “Soon you will eat,” or something like that. Much more hopeful, you know?
But really, he was making a point that: We are living in a state of impermanence. In fact, he said we’re all terminally ill. Someone has cancer today, but they might die by getting hit by a car tomorrow.
You would think I might be feeling depressed by this point. I turned around and noticed the snacks being laid out, which made me feel better.
Monk Paul started getting more intense. “I was at a conference on hospice care and every religion offered hope for the dying. In Buddhism, hope is bullshit!” I was taking notes in my head now: Okay, monks can’t have sex…but they can curse? Interesting.
Monk Paul kept on. “I love Obama, but that hope he sold us was a lie. Hope is the future. It’s the promise of something not happening. Fundamentally, it’s an illusion.” Buddhism doesn’t teach the future. He explained that hope and believing in an eternal life is a cancer! Think about all those terrorists who blow themselves up for their ideas about the afterlife.
Jesus! Jersey-boy-turned-monk had a point. Of course, I love Obama and I love hope. And that’s okay also. But this was another lesson about being here now, about appreciating the present.
Monk Paul hinted that we should replace our hope with this question: What am I? Then he kept repeating, “What am I? What am I?” like a broken record. He explained that it’s a question we can’t really answer, but it puts our minds in a state of now. A state of meditation.
Finding zen is really about looking inside yourself and investigating who you are, here today, in the now. Everything else is…well, as Paul would put it, everything else is “bullshit.”
Sometimes it feels like the older I get, the less I know. How is this possible! We’re supposed to be getting smarter, wiser, and more fabulous as we age, right? (Okay, the part about “fabulous” might only be true for Jennifer Anniston, whose body could inspire the sequel to Benjamin Button!)
But it seems like, as we age, we are bombarded with messages from advertisers, family, friends, and the media about how we should live our lives.
For instance: I’m sure your mother would do cartwheels if you were married by 25, lived within two miles of her, and granted her exactly 2.5 grandchildren. But that might not be your cup of coffee.
When the world dictates how you should live your life, it can actually become harder to be true to your authentic self. In my last Something Different for Women class, we talked about aligning with the powers that be: Your True Self.
Jennifer Maculoso said: “Success will always find you when are authentic. Follow your bliss and you will always feel joy, and when you feel joy, success finds you.” It sounds like she picked up and cracked open the perfect fortune cookie.
Why do so many of us wear masks to hide our true selves? Everyone is born authentic, but as we grow up we spend too much time separating from who we are, acting like we’re something different. Acting is stressful. (Especially, when you’re bad at it like me.)
Being true to who we are takes time and effort. Here are some things to help you on your way:
- To be authentic means to find the key to happiness and success within one’s self, not within society.
- When you live an authentic life, you are living the life that resonates with your soul! As the saying goes, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
- It takes courage, honesty, and a desire to be free of other’s opinions. I love the line, “What you think of me is none of my business.”
- To be authentic, you have to stop putting other’s needs ahead of your own, and you have to stop compromising your dreams to please others.
- Don’t be such a yenta with your friends, either! Allow them the freedom to chose their own life plan.
This is all great and dandy, but how do we get down to the core of who we really are and stay true to ourselves? Here are questions to ask:
What in life already makes you happy?
What, if added to your life, would make you happier?
Where do you already feel successful?
Does the life you are living resonate with your inner being?
Do you have the courage to live more authentically?
What habits do you need to let go of in order to be more authentic?
At what point, during each day, can you make time to connect with yourself?
Have an authentic moment every day. Whether it is telling your friend what she can do with her opinion of you, or directing your mother to the adopt-a-grandchild in Africa non-profit. Take a stand each day, and you’ll be happier, healthier…and attracting the life that you really want.
I recently picked up a copy of Career Renegade by Jonathan Fields, which is a book about creating your own money-making career based on your passions. I’m passionate about chocolate cookies. Wonder if that counts?
On the first page I read a sentence that stuck in my head. You may have heard it before: “A fundamental rule of life is that whatever you focus on grows.” Most of what we hear or read isn’t all that new, but it contains lessons that we need which aren’t ingrained in our minds yet.”
I remember walking the busy streets of Manhattan in my late 20s and thinking about everything I wanted but didn’t have.
I didn’t have the amazing guy I had dreamed about while growing up.
I didn’t have the exciting, sexy job that made me want to hop out of bed.
Lord knows I didn’t have the fabulous apartment. Walk-up studios are never fun for single girls in heels.
It was no wonder that my focus on what I didn’t have or want kept me stuck, fostering more negative outcomes—not to mention many frightening Friday night dates.
But I grew up in a typical Jewish home, where complaining about what was wrong was as common as Chinatown visits on Sundays.
Fields writes, “Repetition cultivates belief. This is the basis of all conditioning, also known as brainwashing…When we create a disaster scenario in our heads…with every repetition that scenario becomes the irrefutable outcome of our efforts.”
I knew I had to shed my doomsday way of thinking, passed on to me by my beloved forefathers. So, I started focusing on what I did have and love in my life; and wouldn’t you know it, more of that came my way. Every morning I wrote down 10 things I was grateful for and e-mailed them to some close friends. Yes, my lists usually included chocolate of some nature. Throughout the day I envisioned what success looked like for me and actually believed it was possible. Slowly but surely, my life turned toward the positive. Today, I only have to walk up one flight of stairs to a nice, spacious, one bedroom apartment. (Ah, isn’t New York a special place?)
What are you focusing on today or at this moment? Concentrate on everything good in your life and every possible fantastic scenario for the future. Pay attention to every thought and kvetch in your head. What you focus on has the power to turn your days sour—or oh-so-sweet.
The other day I opened my eyes from a short nap during meditation class. My instructor, Yogi Allen Finger, chuckled.
“Welcome to New York City Ashram,” he cooed. Half-conscious, I giggled.
“With all its nutty people and situations,” Alan started, “New York is the perfect place to work out your karma.”
Karma or Dharma? I wondered. I always get them confused. Alan clarified later:
“Our Dharma includes the situations we are born into in this life to work out our karma.” Of course!
I guess when cabbies try to run me off the road, or a work project hits a snag, I’m being presented with the exact experiences I need to grow.
“Don’t react with your ego,” Alan instructed of dharmic scenarios. “React with your spirit.”
My spirit is what I’d just spent an hour trying to connect with in stillness through pins, needles, and stomach growls.
“One’s spirit is one’s consciousness,” Alan told me. “The ego is developed as our consciousness is exposed to the mind and five senses. Eventually, our ego becomes totally colored by those experiences, causing us to think that whatever we have been exposed to and claimed to be ours, is who we are.”
But that’s all wrong, he said. Meditation helps us hit the reset buttons on our minds so we can erase all our egos’ programming. Then we get to connect to our authentic selves. You know, like the young girl in me who liked to sing in front of mirrors and let the school boys chase after me. Wow, meditation is really working.
Several months ago I took a break from Allen Finger’s meditation classes. The result wasn’t pretty. I found myself way too deep in my own head. One evening, I was in an elevator talking out loud to myself. I didn’t notice the doors open, and found myself face-to-face with three people gawking at me like I’d just escaped Bellevue. I hustled out of the elevator and spent the next 10 minutes reassuring myself that everyone talks to his or herself once in a while. (Just not as loud as I do.)
After that, I knew it was time to sign up for Finger’s classes again.
I’m a firm believer that meditation is better than medication. Throw yoga classes into the mix, and you’ve found an elixir for pure happiness and well-being.
Many of you are already aware of Ishta Yoga, one of my favorite meditation spots. But if you can’t make it there at 5:30 p.m. Mondays and Wednesdays, take a few minutes today to hit your mind’s reset button at work and check out these videos:
How to Meditate—a great primer
Alan Finger talking about releasing tension
Do you have a favorite meditation video, CD, spot, or teacher? Share it here and I’ll add it!
I was shopping for new meditation spots and recently saw a flyer advertising a new Buddhist temple with daily sessions. The place piqued my interest, so the other day I paid a visit to the temple, which turned out to be inside a brownstone on the Upper West Side.
Yes, even the Buddhists recognize good real estate.
The temple was mostly empty when I arrived, except for a man working there who told me the monk was running late.
“No worries,” I said. “Even monks get stuck in traffic.” I chuckled awkwardly then made my way over to the big gold Buddha, and took a squat.
The monk—surprisingly white—arrived 15 minutes later harried and stressed. He had a shaved head, looked to be about my age, and wasn’t bad on the eyes. I took a moment to wrack my brain: Had we dated before?
The monk introduced himself as Myong Haeng Sunim or Dave and told me I was there on the wrong night—the beginners, he explained, met on Tuesdays. I assured him I am no novice.
“Well then,” he said, “you should have no problem sitting in silence on your own.”
“Um, well, no,” I back-stepped, “I’m not sure about that.”
Dave changed into his robe and kneeled, bowing to Buddha and reciting Korean prayers in a very deep, monotone voice.
This isn’t so different than synagogue, I thought to myself, just with a few golden statues added.
Dave tried explaining the prayers, but was in a rush to get elsewhere. He handed me his card and invited me to get in touch. So I e-mailed him, which seemed a strange way to correspond with a monk, and we made plans to meet the following week and talk more.
Here’s what he told me when we met, sitting Indian-style, cushion to cushion:
How He Became a Monk
Dave went to Cornell and found himself surrounded by people chasing desires, money, and goals without any sense of happiness. His peers seemed distracted with TV, drugs, and conversation. Then Dave’s father got cancer. Suddenly, primetime sitcoms and frat parties didn’t seem so important. Dave found himself wondering, What’s the whole point?
He started hanging out with local Buddhist groups, went on a few retreats, and before long was in Korea teaching English. He didn’t necessarily want to be a monk, but Dave needed money to stay in the country. So, he kept learning and teaching at the temples until he finally graduated and realized his purpose.
Why Most People are Unhappy
Suffering comes from attachment to the idea that your thoughts are true, like when I tell myself that the only reason the guy on the train offered me his seat is because he thinks I’m pregnant. Everyone in this world is attached to his or her thinking, and puts everything into categories of right and wrong, seeing all the world through this filter. If you are attached to anything, you will suffer because inevitably it will change. We need to wake up moment to moment, perceive this world clearly, and do our best to help others.
Thoughts and Judgement
Buddhism allows you to see things as they are. People confuse their thinking with the truth. Your thoughts are just coming and going. If you see them as true, you suffer. Our thoughts categorize people into right and wrong buckets. The moment we separate and categorize, we see ourselves as better. Another moment, we see ourselves as inferior.
Do We Stop Thinking?
Thinking is not bad in itself, but if you attach to your thinking and ideas and believe that they are true, then you will cause suffering for yourself and others. Most thinking is based on opposite concepts, which are formed by our biased perceptions of the world. It’s important to think when necessary, but to turn off the faucet when you are done. If your mind is clear, you can respond to any situation naturally.
Chanting and Meditation
Bowing, chanting, and sitting all help our body, breath and mind become one. If your body is doing one thing and your mind something else, then you can’t be clear, and you’ll inevitably suffer. When you do something, just do it. Bowing and chanting are the fastest ways Dave found to bring his body and mind together.
Stay Present
We’re all either planning for the future or regretting the past, which makes it hard for us to connect to any situation now. Dave uses meditation to turn inward. Our mind is like a mirror, he says: When it’s clear, it reflects in front of you and allows you to connect with people.
I’m not sure the temple on the Upper West Side is my scene, but I liked Dave. He was peaceful, kind, and I loved the way he processed the world. I would even set him up with one of my single girlfriends if I could. But even American monks have to remain celibate. Of course, I had to ask!
If you feel like learning more and meeting Monk Dave or Myong Haeng Sunim yourself, check out the temple’s school at www.kwanumzen.org.
It’s kind of cool having a life coach and dating expert as a close friend.
My friend Andrea Syrtash and I met at a digital media party a few years ago. When she told me that she worked as a dating coach, my first instinct was to smuggle her away for several hours to pick her brain.
Since that day, Andrea has helped me during my many heightened relationship moments in my life. She’s always that calm voice helping me snap out of my fears. I’ve always said that one day she’ll be the Rachael Ray of dating. She’s already well on her way; Rodale just published her book, “He’s Just Not Your Type and That’s a Good Thing.”
Andrea—who is gorgeous and smart, spent most of her adult life dating the typical man you’d bring home to your Jewish mother. Somehow though, Andrea became coined “the runaway bride” because she couldn’t bring herself to commit to these “perfect” men. One day, Andrea’s future husband—a drummer and teacher—strolled into her life. He wasn’t someone Andrea ever thought she’d end up with. But she followed her heart and went for it. They fell in love, got married, and she is thrilled with her colorful life and relationship.
Coincidentally, I too started dating differently about a year or so ago. I stopped idealizing and wanting the guys every girl wanted. I became more conscious, open, and looked for diamonds in the ruff. I mean, we all know I’m not perfect. So why should my dates be?
Andrea’s whole book is about dating the NON type. Not settling for less, but settling for what’s important: the person over looks; how he treats you versus what he does for a living; how it feels to be together versus what you think your kids might look like one day. You know, the obvious stuff that sometimes escapes you when you’re sitting across from each other on a date.
Here are some more good bits from Andrea’s book:
Don’t ‘Should’ Yourself to Death
Andrea felt she should be with someone more polished and sophisticated. But that was her ego talking, and her way of pleasing everyone except herself. Replace the word “should” with “want”. You want to connect with someone. ”Should keeps you from taking risks, connecting with your values, and following your heart,” she writes.
Get Connected to Yourself
Before you find your other half, you have to get clear on your passions and values. Andrea doesn’t believe you find your match when you’re not looking; but rather when you’re looking in the right places. Those places are in line with your deep interests. In researching ancient sources like Kabbalah and Aristotle about love, she mentions that when we’re not aligned with our calling and most authentic self, then matchmaking gets derailed. She encourages women to get aligned with their passions and values before hoping to attract a suitable partner.
Change Your Attitude
In her book, Andrea mentions a friend of hers who was out with a guy on a date. Halfway through, the man excused himself to the bathroom and actually climbed out the window to escape! Andrea’s friend had two choices: Laugh it off, or swear off dating. Your attitude is everything. When I started feeling more positive and realizing there’s a gift in every conversation I have (even If I’m with a George Kastanza type), my romantic life started changing.
Andrea’s book is a great read for those who feel stuck in a dating rut. Don’t close the door on a suitable mate just because he doesn’t match the story you’ve been rehearsing in your head. Change the way you date, and the dates around you will change.
This week I needed a refresher in the law of detachment: putting your intentions out there and having goals, but not controlling or anticipating the results.
Basically, I needed to chill out. I’m out of the corporate world these days. I can work from bed on projects and business ventures of my choosing. There’s a lot of risk involved with this lifestyle, which makes my heart pitter-patter for all the wrong reasons.
Part of me wants to know all my decisions are the right ones; even though I know it’s unfair to seek a promise of success when I’m barely out of the starting gate.
Life is a gamble, and any perception of security is imagined. All we have is our time now to play and try everything that feels good. You know, whatever might be in line with your true nature or self. You just can’t expect an outcome of your choosing.
Think about money. The most successful people never became rich because they were passionate about money (end result), they were passionate about their product.
And what about love? Many women who married bankers to live secure, safe lives are up to their eyeballs in debt and on the fringe of divorce. Their problem is obvious: They attached themselves to a desired outcome and way of life instead of going about the business of actually being alive and in love.
Our favorite Upper West-Sider Deepak Choprah says, “Those who seek security chase it for a lifetime without ever finding it, because security can never come from material wealth alone.”
Security has to come from you.
He goes on: “This search for security is an attachment to certainty, to the known. But freedom lies in the wisdom of uncertainty.”
I queued up HayHouse radio the other night and randomly heard the host tell listeners not to make the mistake so many people make. “Unless they know something succeeds, they’re not going to try. You’ll ruin your whole life waiting. Just jump on what feels good. Give everything a try,” she said.
I’m starting small. First, I’ll try getting out of bed and making breakfast. That’s always a good start. Then I’ll sit still and hang with the unknown for a bit. I’ll think about living from a place in my heart and not my head. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens next.
The vast majority of us are into self-help. Don’t deny it: You and I both know you do a double take when Oprah’s on TV. But who knew self-help could be combined into our workout routines.
A few months ago, a friend told me about her new obsession with intenSati, an exercise incorporating aerobics, kickboxing, yoga movements, and—get this—positive affirmations.
“Inten” stands for intention; and “Sati” is a Sanskrit word for mindfulness. Patricia Moreno, a well-known fitness instructor with a huge following and author of “The intenSati Method: 7 Principles to Thinner Peace”, created the workout to help empower her students. Through IntenSati, she says you can learn to align positive thinking and feelings with positive actions.
It may seem obvious, but when you start loving your life, you are much less likely to sabotage yourself with unhealthy eating habits. (Patting myself on the back for having carrot sticks instead of Tasti D-Light for dessert tonight.)
I’m big into fitness and affirmations, so I checked out Lindsay B. Davis’s intenSati class in Central Park last Saturday.
It was pretty much how I pictured it to be. During leg kicks, jumping jacks, and arm punches, we shouted statements such like, “I am grateful, I am great!” and “I am the master of my fate!”
Okay, I was whispering more than shouting; and trying to ignore the gawkers gathered around us in the park. You’d think they’d never been around athletic types who shvitz and shout in public before.
I can’t really say intenSanti was for me. I’m not as physically coordinated when vocal chords are involved. But I can see how it might be a great way to start your day.
The truth is I’ve always been on a quest to find thinner peace. In high-school, my mother called me “pleasantly plump” and warned me daily that we had Fat Genes in the family. (a.k.a., my grandmother was almost 300 pounds.)
After class, I wondered if a zen approach or intenSati could help me. So before escaping Central Park, I asked Ms. Davis for a little advice. Here’s how she suggested sticking to healthy eating habits and keeping fit:
1. Start the Day Intending to Eat Well
Every morning, start off the day by setting a positive intention. Write it down by hand in the present tense. For example: “Today I enjoy delicious meals of lean proteins, whole grains, vegetables, and fruit.” Sit for a few minutes and relax while you feel and see yourself eating a smorgasbord of goodness. (Just relax on going for seconds.)
2. Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is an incredibly powerful place from which to start creating a life you love. Appreciate what you already have, including the many talents and passions inside you and are waiting to come out. Every morning, email yourself or your friends 10 things you’re grateful for.
3. Love Your Body Now
You can’t shame your way into a healthy body. Love yourself as-is, while affirming that you WILL reach your goal weight and optimum fitness level in good time. Play the change game—not the shame game.
4. Speak, Don’t Eat
Express your feelings and speak your thoughts out loud instead of eating over them. When you courageously allow yourself to speak your truth in the moment—whether you’re declaring “Yes, I feel frustrated!” or “This is scary but so amazing and I deserve it!”—you’re less likely to stuff down feelings or repress your authentic voice through a food binge.
5. Stop the Kvetching
Guard your thoughts and practice a “Warrior not a Whiner” mentality. You know how annoying it is when someone complains around you. Well, you’re doing the same kind of job on yourself with thoughts like, “I don’t like getting up early to work out or I don’t have time to cook vegetables .” These are just excuses and contribute to your unhealthy actions. So call yourself out, and make a different thought choice.
Thanks Lindsay! I may be brave and try your class again. In the meantime, I’m going to put these tips into practice today because “I can do it!” (Jumping on my bed and disturbing my neighbors.)
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Side Note:
I’m hosting a seminar with Columbia Journalism School’s Sree Sreenivasan about Advancing Your Career and Getting Beyond Job Hunting this Wednesday, May 12th.
If you’re a journalist or media professional and want to be inspired, sign up for the event here. Hope to see you there!
Have you ever entertained the idea of calling someone you admire but have never met to meet for coffee?
My friends wouldn’t stop gushing about Karen Salmonsohn’s best-selling self-help books for people who wouldn’t be caught dead reading self-help. I tried to buy a copy of one of her books at Barnes & Noble, but it was sold out.
So, I took the initiative and e-mailed Karen asking for some in-person crib notes. She agreed!
A few days later, Karen and I sat across from each other at the adorable French Marquet in Manhattan over Cafe au laits, dishing about self-help and happiness. I wanted to understand how she became a funny, sassy, self-help author.
It turns out, her mother was an actress and Karen grew up cheering her up after rejections from auditions. Interesting how when we’re young, the seeds for our life work get planted. When I was young, I was talking to myself and dancing in front of mirrors.
Not sure how that’s manifesting itself just yet.
Karen shared how people confuse pleasure with happiness. Pleasure, she explained, is immediate gratification. What one gets from, let’s say, make out marathons or tasting menus at Babo, I wonder. (Not speaking from experience, of course.)
Most of us are looking for that quick fix, while happiness delays gratification and gets into your core.
To find happiness, Karen says you need to surround yourself with people and experiences that inspire you to grow into your highest potential.
Glad I called, I think.
You also need to sit through the uncomfortable and unfamiliar to get there.
Karen talked a lot about her favorite philosopher, Aristotle, who said it takes discipline, patience, courage, and consistency of habit to reach that deep happiness. She also mentioned a study targetting the top three determining factors of happiness: high self esteem, deep connection with others, and altruism.
“Happiness is like your muscles,” she quipped. “You have to get through growing pains before you see results.”
I looked down at my arms. They’re definitely strong. But the road ahead is sure to have me pumping more iron.
